the crisis, part one

What is free will God?
What is it?
They say you gave it to us that we might choose to truly love.
To love truly.
For what is love under compulsion?
What is love without choice?

And when I choose You,
Does that mean I choose
to no longer choose?
Or to choose to choose over and over again the absence of me?

Do I lose all of me in choosing You?
Did you give me free will that you might strip it away?

I do not know!
It does not seem right!
or like You...
To take the fierce and lively soul
and reduce to a stiff butler,
to a mindless automaton.

But sometimes I wonder...
because 'they' (the preachers)
always talk of giving up self.
But didn't you WANT my 'self?'

Oh i am afraid to say it wrong!
i am afraid those who have gone on before
wring their hands in distress!
Should I not become less that You might become more?

But then why would You want me? Am I a conquest?

Are You the scientist, the humanitarian?
Am I to be tamed or civilized...
To be broken like a colt?

But a colt is still a horse is it not, after it is broken?
and is it truly 'broken?'
It is made obedient that it might be made more

Untamed he'd know no bridle,
but he'd also know no love,
and untambed he'd know no bit,
but neither any noble purpose,
or any gentle hand,
any doctor or any mash

a horse is still a horse when tamed---only redirected

but still the question!
Why free will it if it is 'evil'
why 'me' if i am corrupt?
am I 'good' hidden in 'bad?'
must I be sorted?

You say to seek your will--
Can I want to want what
You want?
And will I ever really want it?

Oh God---be near
My head is muddleglum
my thoughts are not wise.

The end of 'the existential crisis, part one'--- known also in some circles as Why C. Is Not A Theologian And Why She Should Read Her Bible More