Invincible

I am not an invincible,
Nor was I made to be,
For I am made of simpler stuff,
‘But dust’ and frailty.

The stain of sin on my garment,
Dirt beneath fingernails,
Testify to human weakness,
That over will prevails.

What I would do, I do not do,
What I would not, I will,
Sin lurks over my dying self,
Feasting upon its kill.

Fig leaves I wrap to hide myself,
From your eyes and my own,
Community you provided,
That healing I might know.

But pride, but shame, but fear of light,
Keep closed these heavy doors,
Alone I fight, alone I fail,
In darkness weep alone.

I am not an invincible,
Why do I try to be?
Forgetting I am simpler stuff,
‘But dust’ and frailty.

But You, Eternal, remember,
That I am but a sigh,
Forgive me and restore me to,
Your presence or I die.

Be merciful, I have no hope,
In anyone but you,
I cannot make this deceived heart,
Beat rightfully and true.

I admit weakness stubbornly,
Yet it must now be said,
I am but dust, and ash, and mud,
Without your holy breath.

I am not an invincible,
I will not try to be,
god, when God is living,
Obedient, I cling.

3 Pages

I should be working on homework (story of my life)

And of course, I am writing a blog (story of my life)

Apparently the discouraged perfectionist runs deep.

I have an assignment, a simple one really, 3 pages. how difficult could it be to write 3 pages? All I'm to do is write something about forgiveness and discuss a Bible verse. So of course I have 3 books, 4 journal articles, a commentary, and a sermon pulled up so I can use them as sources. And of course I think I need to pore over, memorize, and understand them all before I can begin writing. And of course I can't.

So here I sit, surrounded with more than I need, unable to utilize any of it because I'm too overwhelmed. So I turn to coffee and facebook, because you don't need a book to make coffee and you don't need to research before using facebook.

So I wonder, is that perfectionistic? Or just lazy? I don't know. Half the time it seems that lazy people call themselves perfectionists in order not to feel guilty for being extraordinary time-wasters. I really do not want to be one of those.

Maybe I nitpick, asking for ideal conditions and thorough knowledge, because I don't trust that I can produce quality material unless it IS last-minute...and searching for ideal conditions (which never appear) push me toward last-minute work.

Absolutely ridiculous. There doesn't seem to be any wisdom in that.

Here are my arguments for a new course of action:

1) I have a brain. Regardless of its IQ, it is capable of writing 3 pages. Regardless of whether those 3 pages are well-written, 3 poorly-written pages are better than 0 well-written pages. I will invest the 1 coin and hopefully I will get 3back.

2) This quote keeps running through my head (thank you Dallas Willard and dear ol' C.S., and I think it applies to homework in many ways): "God has room for people with very little sense, but He wants every one to use what sense they have. The proper motto is not 'Be good, sweet maid, and let who can be clever,' but 'Be good, sweet maid, and don't forget that this involves being as clever as you can.' God is no fonder of intellectual slackers than of any other slackers. If you are thinking of becoming a Christian, I warn you, you are embarking on something which is going to take the whole of you, brains and all..."

3) I have just downed a mug of coffee and will either be up for the next few hours working on homework...or doing something I 'enjoy' but not being able to 'enjoy' it because 3 pages stand between me and proper enjoyment.

3 pages. 3 pages. 3 pages.

the crisis, part one

What is free will God?
What is it?
They say you gave it to us that we might choose to truly love.
To love truly.
For what is love under compulsion?
What is love without choice?

And when I choose You,
Does that mean I choose
to no longer choose?
Or to choose to choose over and over again the absence of me?

Do I lose all of me in choosing You?
Did you give me free will that you might strip it away?

I do not know!
It does not seem right!
or like You...
To take the fierce and lively soul
and reduce to a stiff butler,
to a mindless automaton.

But sometimes I wonder...
because 'they' (the preachers)
always talk of giving up self.
But didn't you WANT my 'self?'

Oh i am afraid to say it wrong!
i am afraid those who have gone on before
wring their hands in distress!
Should I not become less that You might become more?

But then why would You want me? Am I a conquest?

Are You the scientist, the humanitarian?
Am I to be tamed or civilized...
To be broken like a colt?

But a colt is still a horse is it not, after it is broken?
and is it truly 'broken?'
It is made obedient that it might be made more

Untamed he'd know no bridle,
but he'd also know no love,
and untambed he'd know no bit,
but neither any noble purpose,
or any gentle hand,
any doctor or any mash

a horse is still a horse when tamed---only redirected

but still the question!
Why free will it if it is 'evil'
why 'me' if i am corrupt?
am I 'good' hidden in 'bad?'
must I be sorted?

You say to seek your will--
Can I want to want what
You want?
And will I ever really want it?

Oh God---be near
My head is muddleglum
my thoughts are not wise.

The end of 'the existential crisis, part one'--- known also in some circles as Why C. Is Not A Theologian And Why She Should Read Her Bible More

Testament (coffee table literature)

I found this poem in a book of Kate's on the coffee table.

I liked it so much. Not because it made me feel happy, I mean it DID make happy in a way (mostly it made me feel a little embarrassed), but I've decided I like it because it is TRUE. And the truth I s'pose is good medicine.

I don't want to get cocky thinking I can love God on my own (but sometimes I do). I sometimes think that I'm the one doing all the work towards love (but where do I get the strength and the 'want' to work towards love apart from him?). Really I'm a shabby lover and I think HE knows that (even if I only admit it when it's blatantly obvious...), so he helps me along to love better and to will his will.


Well enough of me putting carts before horses and giving explanations before poems. Here is the poem.

TESTAMENT-

O God
I will do thy will.
I will
to do thy will.

How can my will
will to do thy will?
If I will
to know thy will
then I fall on my own will.
How can I will
to love or to obey?
My very willing bars the way.
Willingness becomes self-will.

O God
if thou will
turn my will to thy will
if thou will
tell me thy will
it will
be in spite of
not because of
my will.

Help me to lose my will.
Each day
let my will die
so will I
be born.
New born will I live
willingly lovingly
and will
will be no more

will be thine
O God
if thou will.

-Madeleine L'Engle